I Didn't Understand

I shouldn't have taken you for granted.

I didn't understand it.

I was never honest with you.

I never really liked you.

But we liked the same things and people.

So that made us equal.

We had the same hair. You would’ve thought we were sisters.

But I always denied that we had any relation. Any relationship. The comparisons made me bitter.

I always resented you for being someone my mom idealized.

But I never met you. I never met the evil twin that was really me in disguise.

I must admit that I was a product of the outside voices.

I caved and craved approval, which explained my dramatic choices.

Every strand of hair was dyed. My eyes were overcast with eyeliner.

Just so I could escape you. Just so I could feel desired.

Though nothing could efface my insecurity.

Not even your death, which has only reminded me of my immaturity.

With you gone, I still do not feel like I have won.

It's an evil thought I know. It’s not what I wished to have become.

All I've learned is that you felt it too.

And that we will always be burdened with this issue.

I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry that I sucked.

I respect you, I never said it, I know it’s abrupt.

But I mean it, truly, I took you for granted.

I never realized that you were you. I didn't understand it.